Caterpillars

He was a caterpillar,

a youth, an intellect. The

air cleansed his golden locks

in the midst of humid

springtime, and the horns

sounded his spirit and

sang his name when he

was too shy to introduce

himself. Shallow footprints

followed his path and

sweat stung his eyes and

trickled the creeks of his face.

Photos 12-21-10

"Dramatic Skies"

"Grungy"

"Vintage/Sepia"

All were created using "Gimp" free image manipulation software which is a lot like photoshop, only free.

Do you enjoy using photoshop?
Which of these is your favorite and which method should I explore further?

What I'm listening to...

"I'm Only Sleeping" The Beatles

Photo Update 11-24-10

Nothing but

earthly love

stark

ritual

stark

 earthly love

 nothing but.

Poetry 11-22-10

Cripple hands cuddle 

warm ashes & 

dewy lillies 

'neath brittle bridges.

_________________________________________________

Starkly caressing 

Childhood brands & burns 

Yielding to age. 

_________________________________________________ 

Poetry 11-21-10

I understand, 

spoken soft 

truth, 

love, 

trees & vines of 

wild lies 

so honest they cripple 

when tangled and brittle,

so honest they cripple

wild lies 

trees & vines of 

love, 

truth,

spoken soft 

I understand.

Music is my Eden.

...and the Shins are my hopeful music. 

I need that now.

Writing an Artist's Statement

As I begin to apply to schools, I have found that many would like a personal statement, or, worse yet, an artist's statement, as the School of the Art Institute of Chicago requires. Unfortunately, I realized I have no idea what this means, less how to go about creating one. Here is how to write an artist's statement:

1. Keep it short, yet simple and engaging. About.com suggests about 100 words. 
2. Remember the W's: who, what, when, where, why, and how. Who you are, what you are doing, why you do it, and how you create, etc. "Don't bog readers down, but rather entice them to want to know more" 
3. Act like you know what you're doing: Avoid "I think" or "I feel" statements, and state it like facts.
4. Include: what inspires you, why you create art, what is your vision, who has influenced you, what are your goals, etc. You can find more ideas here.

What inspires you to create art? 
What are other aspect to include in a personal statement or artist's statement?

Photo Update 11-5-10

With the theme of "Warhol" as my guide, I decided to create an image which utilized the idea of reflections and identity. The words are backwards because the image is meant to be looked at through a mirror, but the poem states, "Alone, all alone/Nobody but nobody/Can make it out here alone." It is adapted from a poem by Maya Angelou.

I find that, personally, identity is a difficult thing to grasp: 

Who am I?

What do I like? 

What are my needs and wants? 

 What helps you discover who you are? How do you come to terms with this?

Fear

Fear is quite the interesting entity. 
Fear creeps and chills and tingles. 
And, yet,
It sweats and tickles and turns. 

As I sit writing this, I turn around in fear of demons after viewing Paranormal Activity II. Regardless, this concept of fear is much different from what I usually experience. 

My more regular idea of fear is not that of ghost and goblins; rather, it is, as I would assume it is for most, an abstract entity. I experience the emotion of fear as an extreme, irrational version of anxiety. 


"Fear foods" are a common word to describe foods Ed has banned. This constitutes fear in that it, too, is irrational and extreme anxiety. Although it seems silly to outsiders, "fear foods" are a huge part of eating disorder recovery, in that they allow the disordered to understand how indeed illogical their fear truly is, and that nothing bad would happen if they continued to experience and consume that food. 


Perhaps hitting at more of the core issues surrounding psychological disorders are fears of people or actions, such as social anxiety or trauma. In order to recover from these fears, intense therapy must be gone through. 



Of what are you afraid? 
What do you fear?

Like, Lust, Love

Fall is quite the romantic season. 

I'm learning romance, lust and love through my new relationships; and not just with my boyfriend, but with reconnecting with friends. 

Eating disorders push people away. While forming a relationship with "Ed", I lost not only my relationships with my friends and family but also my relationship with myself. I've lost who I am and the person I wish to become.  

But life after "Ed" can be as confusing as life with him. What do I like, love, and for what or whom do I lust? What is this sense of romance I so seek? 

I am discovering this, slowly.

Like: Sunshine, black coffee, Asian cuisine, blogging, flowers, books, autumn

Love: Poetry; indie and classical music; uniqueness; recovery; friendship; family

Lust for: Romance, true beauty, chivalry, respect, honesty

What do you like, love, and for what or whom do you lust?




P.S. Thanks to "Psych" for the topic idea!

Clouds

Clouds

As I sink
through the
depths of
your bones
I sing, for

they blossom
and ring, with
vines and spires
atop ancient
cathedrals.

                      The
gargoyles grin
and I laugh
for the glass
shines in dust.

But where are
you now, as
I soar? The
clouds blind
me. 

What I like: The poem is both literal and figurative, though I won't tell you what I think it means because I believe it ruins the effect. However, it's one of the few poems I wrote with a meaning in mind, with a specific feeling which I was attempting to achieve.  I also find the shape aesthetically pleasing.

What I dislike: I find it a bit cliche at some points, and I have no sympathy for cliche whatsoever. Perhaps I'll rework it a bit to avoid such occurrences.  

What do you like and dislike about this poem or poetry in general? 

What does it mean to you?

Basic Space

At the heart of many personalities and disorders is the fear of taking up space in the world.  This is because we do not feel we have enough worth to even use the air, the area, the goods, and the happiness of others. It is as much a matter of feeling small and insignificant as it is a matter of feeling unworthy. 

The interesting aspect of space is when one applies it to eating disorders, especially anorexia. One with an eating disorder physically shrinks his or herself, thus occupying less space. One may assume that this is a physical manifestation of the feelings of smallness and unworthiness that the man or woman feels. The person may, in some cases, feel unworthy of food or health, and thus deprive themselves of this basic need. In contrast, it may simply be a way to not love and respect one's self. 


This often reflects well beyond the realms of food, however. One who does not allow themselves to occupy the world may not treat themselves well in relationships, putting themselves second and setting poor boundaries.

I, personally, struggle with this area very much. Feeling unworthy of taking up space, of happiness, and sometimes of life itself, I oftentimes do not treat myself with respect and love. For a small example - I do not open the door all the way when I enter or leave a room, physically forcing myself to occupy the least amount of space possible when squeezing through the doorway. As I mentioned in a previous post, I used to squish my gum into a wrapper and put it in my pocket to dispose of later, risking a sticky pocket, rather than briefly interrupt a therapy session or a conversation. 

Exercise: Every morning when you wake up, stretch your body as large as you possibly can, occupying your entire bed, and state simply, "I deserve to take up space." It begins the day with an interesting thought and reminds yourself that you are worthy, you deserve space. 

Do you find yourself feeling unworthy of taking up space? 
How does this manifest itself, even in little ways? 


 

Dear Ed, I Hate You

I was recently inspired by slam poetry, and therefore decided to just let the words flow. Feel free to - and please - submit responses, editing, suggestions, etc. Here's what came from free thought and little editing:


I hate you.
Your promises squeeze
at my life, my blood,
and gnaw my soul, before
digesting it in rotting
acrid acid and lustful lies.

I hate you
My love, my dear,
I'd never leave you.
You protect me -
from life and reality
and keep me safe in
my anorexic box of
starvation and mutilation
until I disappear: a
wisp of a soul, taught
skin and loose hair.

I hate you
for all you have
harmed and tortured with
peanut butter and lettuce,
and yet equally with
love and adventure;
for fucking with
our minds and stomachs and hearts;
for killing us.

I hate you.
I refuse to be so,
so jailed and celled
and perfect and compact.
I refuse to be
safe and secure,
restful and asleep, while
stars blaze and spin in
white heat.
I refuse.

Because I hate you.

Goal Setting 9-5-10

Time to set some goals for the next few weeks:

1. Make it through school: It's no secret that I hate school. Not just dislike, but hate. I hate the conformity, the same-shit-different-day stuff, the dull classes, the easy classes, the hard classes, the doing-stuff-I-don't-care-about, etc., etc.

2. Write poetry: I haven't written in a while...and by a while I mean months. If I plan on being a writer professionally, I need to get back on track working diligently on my art.

3. Add more healthy fats: Unfortunately, as well as I've been doing otherwise, my meal plan has not been attended to 100% within the past few weeks. However, I am prepared with pre-portioned packages of cream cheese, nut butters, guacamole, hummus, and cheese to fulfill my requirements and maintain/gain weight.

4. Cherish the present: I am very future-focused right now: college, career, life. I want to enjoy each moment rather than believing that happiness will come to me once I'm in better circumstances.




What are your goals for the next few weeks?

Risk-Taking

Senior year presents itself with many options: where to live, where to attend school, what to study, etc. Though I would like to study creative writing and psychology in college, I have no idea whether or not I'll end up staying in Chicago or moving to New York. Frankly, it scares the shit out of me. Will I be well enough to even consider The New School of New York? Who knows?

It's important to practice taking healthy risks so that I will be confident enough to consider moving away as an option, rather than safely staying at home. Doing this involves practicing:

Self-Confidence : Allowing one to please one's self and somewhat eradicate anxiety associated with change.

Freedom : Understanding how free to do what one pleases one truly is.

Boundaries: Not allowing others' goals to get in the way.

What risks have you held back on?
What risks have you taken?

Sticky Situations

My therapist noted recently that, rather than ask for a garbage can, I'll simply stick my chewed gum into a wrapper back into my pocket. This may not seem like much, but to a therapist, it's a goldmine of information.

What it means: I would rather risk getting myself into sticky and messy situations than take care of myself. At first, I thought this was a long shot, but it now makes complete sense. I have difficulty getting my needs met first, even if it means a risk. If I don't ask for a garbage can, I risk the gum sticking to the inside of my jeans; if I do, I take care of myself first, even if it means interrupting our session momentarily.

Getting my needs met first: Meaning, taking care of what I need even if it involves slightly inconveniencing others. Personally, this means setting appropriate boundaries to maintain safety and security in relationships; asking for help; and speaking my mind rather than allowing others' opinions to take precedence.


I'll continue to explore the theme of boundaries in later posts. For now:
Do you have any unique quirks that may mean something?
Have you identified where you need to set boundaries in your life?

Photo Update 8-18-2010

I haven't taken pictures for a while (laziness, job, tiny social life, etc.) but here's an interesting take on my old photos:








I used this tutorial to create a "vintage" look on all of those photos. It was surprisingly simple and inspired me to use my software, Gimp, more often. I'm pleased by the dingy, grungy look it creates by layering yellow, blue, and pink over the photograph.

With regards to my absence, I plan on getting back into blogging more often immediately; I've got a couple of topics planned out and look forward to writing!

Photography Update

A new roll of film = another photography posting.
My current PC background. I love how the black-eyed susan looks as though it's just floating between the other shrubs:



Lines. I'm obsessed with them:





Along with contrasting our normal concept of "beauty" with "ugliness":





And my favorite. I'm not sure how/why the blurriness happened (perhaps because of the humidity) but it gives it a nostalgic feel, which I love:



How do you relate to others? Through art, activities, sports, or other forms of expression?

Thrill-Seeking

I was taking a meditative walk today, thinking of the nature of people. What I now recognize is that everyone is a thrill-seeker, as everyone is seeking that perfect high. This sense of thrill, this high, can be achieved by everything from substances(food,caffeine, alcohol, nicotine, illicit substances) to exercise (running, weight-lifting) to rides (fast cars, roller coasters) to hobbies (music, writing, art). These may not all seem like "thrills" in the common sense of the word, but for enthusiasts, they definitely fulfill the need for a high.

An interesting example of this side of everyone's personality is police officers and criminals. Both are very similar: they derive a thrill from their work. However, society states that one is better than the other because of which side of the law on which they are.

It's interesting to ponder where we derive our thrills from. Sometimes they are in line with our morals and the morals of society, and sometimes they do not.

Where do you derive your sense of thrill? From where do you get your "high"?

The Terrible Horrible Thing

I have a terrible, horrible, thing that won't go away. It's called my body, and I won't go into detail as to how I do not like it, as we all know how difficult body image is to conquer. Here, Web MD discusses body image, especially in women. Body image is a topic my therapist and I discussed last Monday. Here are some tips to building better body image:

1. "Well, that's uncomfortable..."
Next time your jeans don't sit just right or your shirt feels a bit tight, just say to yourself "That's uncomfortable," and adjust. Then...

2. Stop the negative thoughts
Immediately. Just cut them short, or even say "stop!" out loud if you must. This ends the loop before it begins.

3. Disagree and Disobey
If you've ever read Life Without Ed you'll know what I'm talking about. Disagree with the negative thought (say: "No I don't believe...) and disobey the thought and do not let it affect your behaviors for the rest of the day.

Even if you still believe the negative thought, the most important thing is that it does not affect your eating disorder behaviors. Additionally, research shows that as you approach your ideal body weight, the negative and unrealistic thoughts lessen. Just another reason to follow your meal plan and gain weight (if that's a part of your recovery): body image may actually improve.

Yesterday I stumbled upon this article. It essentially relates that those who believe that they aren't selling out - namely "rebels" such as the beatniks, goths, punks, and hipsters of each generation - actually are selling out to consumerism. This is because no one can truly rebel against society unless they completely get themselves off the grid; that is to say, completely remove themselves from all of society. By succumbing to the want to "not sell out", these so-called rebel groups have sold out to consumerism. Where do they buy their black skinny jeans and organic foods and vintage records? Stores; hence, they have sold out to consumerism. Once again, unless one completely removes themselves from society, they are still selling out to consumerism and societal norms.

That's my musing for today.



Recovery-wise, things have been going fairly decently. I've been eating a lot of oatmeal lately, which I love, but it's difficult to not get into a rut with my food choices by choosing the same thing over and over again. After meeting with my dietitian, we decided to plan out my breakfasts and my snacks for the next few days in order to keep me on track and keep me challenging myself. This morning, I had oatmeal plus frozen french toast, among other things. Tomorrow: eggs and pancakes. I wish I had the patience to cook homemade breakfasts daily, but alas, I do not.

What do you think about "selling out"?
How do you keep yourself from eating the same foods over and over?

I thought I'd share some photography from my "adventures" to Byron and the forest preserve. My personal favorite:



I like experimenting with the theme of society and nature; specifically, nature overtaking man's creations and reclaiming them:



And of course, simple, beautiful things:



And interesting textures:



It's nice to share some "normal" (whatever normal means) things every once in a while rather than recovery-related topics in order to keep focused on my hobbies and to not define myself by my eating disorder. Photography is one of those hobbies, as is poetry and music. Much of my writing can be found here at Hello Poetry.

Recovery-wise, things have been going well. I'm experimenting with new foods and even tried my hand at cooking tofu, which turned out decently. Garlic-lime tofu with grapes, salad, and corn:



And I had oatmeal for the first time in a long time:




What defines you? Who are you without your eating disorder?

Adventures!

This morning I took a day trip out to Byron, IL, for the hell of it. It was my father's suggestion, and a good one.


Byron's home to a nuclear power plant, if you're not familiar with the area. They were huge, pretty damn cool. I took some pictures on the way and trespassed where I wasn't supposed to go, near an old, run-down barn. It was screaming at me to stop and take pictures. I had to.

I had been 10 days, no restricting, until yesterday (I didn't eat a bun on my veggie burger) at a grad party. I should have been able to do it, but I won't blame myself; in the moment, I was weak and unable. Regardless, I still consider myself in recovery for nearly two weeks now. One slip doesn't constitute a loss, nor does it negate all of my hard work up until this point.

Physically, I feel great; mentally, I'm bored and lonely. My ED has pushed many of my friends away, and I don't blame them for it. I'm also struggling with my body image as I begin to actually follow my meal plan and really challenge myself like never before (for instance, tomorrow is hamburgers and ice cream!). I'm proud but Ed is screaming at me and I have many urges to restrict. However, I have not tried to engage in other behaviors, which is a huge step and something with which I used to struggle.

I would like to try more organic/natural foods, and not necessarily safe ones (for example, almond butter). Quinoa is something I'd like to incorporate into my meal plan for the next week when I meet with my dietitian tomorrow. Hopefully, my weight didn't go down and I've been really doing as well as I think I am.

Kirsten

Knowing ED

I firmly believe that one can't ever understand an eating disorder unless one gets one. ED is hell, a hell I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy. I recently cried when I learned someone had an eating disorder, someone with whom I wasn't even close.

What you should know about ED is that it's not about food, body image, being thin/pretty/attractive. It's about feelings. My ED stems from my depression and my anxiety. ED helps me manage these feelings by restricting my food because it distracts and numbs how I feel. Food - or lack thereof - is like a drug for me.

I have nearly no memory of my summer before my freshman year of high school, my sickest time. I can tell you general ideas - big trips, etc. - and what I ate and thought about, but I have no specific memories. This stems from the numbness I experienced during this period. Both physically and emotionally, I was ailing.

Let's change the way we think about ED: less of a phase of skinny models and actresses and more of a disease of average men and women, predisposed to it through personality traits. Let's consider it an addiction, a serious mental and physical problem which does not go away without seemingly endless treatment, inpatient, outpatient, hospitalizations. Let's recognize that we who suffer from ED can and will survive.

Dreams/Goals

My ultimate goal in life is to be a writer; pretty much always has been, except now my focus is on poetry rather than prose. What somewhat disturbs me is that sometimes those close to me do not also believe in these dreams. They may want me to be happy as well, but they do not see writing as a realistic profession. I disagree and refuse to change myself based upon others' opinions.

Yesterday, I was rejected by Poetry Magazine. As a writer, rejection is common and I'm used to it; I immediately resubmitted to Poetry Magazine and also to "Crazyhorse", another literary journal.

Untitled
Tracing constellations of
veins, blue and branching
vines of the flesh:
windy breath and
gasping air.
Stark, collapsing
bones between
cascading blood.
Thoughts crumple and
rush like quicksand,
stripping memories
of sunshine and
fireworks. Dewdrops
dampen lips and
lashes glued with
taught skin and
a hunger. Love
tags between
pines and brushes
spines and soothes.

The Re-revised Rules of Good Eating

Experts at the US Dept of Health and Human services and the USDA have released a new report on what we should be eating. Their report essentially states that we should be consuming fewer calories, meat, and sugar; switching to low-fat dairy; and exercising more often. While I find nothing completely wrong with these guidelines, they forgot that perhaps we also should enjoy eating. So here are my top food "rules":

1. Eat when hungry. Stop when moderately full.
This is stolen from Eating Disorders Anonymous but it's completely true. Why worry about calories and exact portions when our bodies have given us hunger and satiation cues which trigger us to begin and end eating?

2. Stomachs do not have eyes.
A carb is a carb is a carb, and our bodies do not know whether that carbohydrate is a cookie or organic quinoa or Eggo waffles. The only difference is calorie and fat content, both of which are essential to human survival.

3. There are no "good" and "bad" foods.
There are only different nutrients in each food. Some are higher or lower than others in certain nutrients such as carbohydrates, fats, protein, water, vitamins, and minerals. Take ice-cream for instance. It is higher than low-fat milk in fat and sugar content, but both contain calcium (mineral), natural sugars (carbohydrates), and fat.

4. Exercise to maintain cardio health and strength.
Exercise should not be for the purpose of always burning calories and fat, but for good mental and physical health.

5. Enjoy food.
Because there are no good and bad foods and we can eat when hungry and stop, we can also enjoy food. Food is not just a source of energy, but gives us a sense of creativity, culture, and enjoyment. You can have your cake and eat it too.

First Post!

My name is Kirsten and I'm a student living in the suburbs of Chicago. I'm a poet, musician, photographer and thinker who struggles with an eating disorder. I refuse to allow my "problems" define me. My posts will cover everything from my issues to writing and readings and current events. Thanks and happy reading!


The requiem of
incense and wine
suffocates and
blinds with white
and awaits joy
as the chorus
sings lies.