Clouds

Clouds

As I sink
through the
depths of
your bones
I sing, for

they blossom
and ring, with
vines and spires
atop ancient
cathedrals.

                      The
gargoyles grin
and I laugh
for the glass
shines in dust.

But where are
you now, as
I soar? The
clouds blind
me. 

What I like: The poem is both literal and figurative, though I won't tell you what I think it means because I believe it ruins the effect. However, it's one of the few poems I wrote with a meaning in mind, with a specific feeling which I was attempting to achieve.  I also find the shape aesthetically pleasing.

What I dislike: I find it a bit cliche at some points, and I have no sympathy for cliche whatsoever. Perhaps I'll rework it a bit to avoid such occurrences.  

What do you like and dislike about this poem or poetry in general? 

What does it mean to you?

Basic Space

At the heart of many personalities and disorders is the fear of taking up space in the world.  This is because we do not feel we have enough worth to even use the air, the area, the goods, and the happiness of others. It is as much a matter of feeling small and insignificant as it is a matter of feeling unworthy. 

The interesting aspect of space is when one applies it to eating disorders, especially anorexia. One with an eating disorder physically shrinks his or herself, thus occupying less space. One may assume that this is a physical manifestation of the feelings of smallness and unworthiness that the man or woman feels. The person may, in some cases, feel unworthy of food or health, and thus deprive themselves of this basic need. In contrast, it may simply be a way to not love and respect one's self. 


This often reflects well beyond the realms of food, however. One who does not allow themselves to occupy the world may not treat themselves well in relationships, putting themselves second and setting poor boundaries.

I, personally, struggle with this area very much. Feeling unworthy of taking up space, of happiness, and sometimes of life itself, I oftentimes do not treat myself with respect and love. For a small example - I do not open the door all the way when I enter or leave a room, physically forcing myself to occupy the least amount of space possible when squeezing through the doorway. As I mentioned in a previous post, I used to squish my gum into a wrapper and put it in my pocket to dispose of later, risking a sticky pocket, rather than briefly interrupt a therapy session or a conversation. 

Exercise: Every morning when you wake up, stretch your body as large as you possibly can, occupying your entire bed, and state simply, "I deserve to take up space." It begins the day with an interesting thought and reminds yourself that you are worthy, you deserve space. 

Do you find yourself feeling unworthy of taking up space? 
How does this manifest itself, even in little ways? 


 

Dear Ed, I Hate You

I was recently inspired by slam poetry, and therefore decided to just let the words flow. Feel free to - and please - submit responses, editing, suggestions, etc. Here's what came from free thought and little editing:


I hate you.
Your promises squeeze
at my life, my blood,
and gnaw my soul, before
digesting it in rotting
acrid acid and lustful lies.

I hate you
My love, my dear,
I'd never leave you.
You protect me -
from life and reality
and keep me safe in
my anorexic box of
starvation and mutilation
until I disappear: a
wisp of a soul, taught
skin and loose hair.

I hate you
for all you have
harmed and tortured with
peanut butter and lettuce,
and yet equally with
love and adventure;
for fucking with
our minds and stomachs and hearts;
for killing us.

I hate you.
I refuse to be so,
so jailed and celled
and perfect and compact.
I refuse to be
safe and secure,
restful and asleep, while
stars blaze and spin in
white heat.
I refuse.

Because I hate you.

Goal Setting 9-5-10

Time to set some goals for the next few weeks:

1. Make it through school: It's no secret that I hate school. Not just dislike, but hate. I hate the conformity, the same-shit-different-day stuff, the dull classes, the easy classes, the hard classes, the doing-stuff-I-don't-care-about, etc., etc.

2. Write poetry: I haven't written in a while...and by a while I mean months. If I plan on being a writer professionally, I need to get back on track working diligently on my art.

3. Add more healthy fats: Unfortunately, as well as I've been doing otherwise, my meal plan has not been attended to 100% within the past few weeks. However, I am prepared with pre-portioned packages of cream cheese, nut butters, guacamole, hummus, and cheese to fulfill my requirements and maintain/gain weight.

4. Cherish the present: I am very future-focused right now: college, career, life. I want to enjoy each moment rather than believing that happiness will come to me once I'm in better circumstances.




What are your goals for the next few weeks?