Adventures!

This morning I took a day trip out to Byron, IL, for the hell of it. It was my father's suggestion, and a good one.


Byron's home to a nuclear power plant, if you're not familiar with the area. They were huge, pretty damn cool. I took some pictures on the way and trespassed where I wasn't supposed to go, near an old, run-down barn. It was screaming at me to stop and take pictures. I had to.

I had been 10 days, no restricting, until yesterday (I didn't eat a bun on my veggie burger) at a grad party. I should have been able to do it, but I won't blame myself; in the moment, I was weak and unable. Regardless, I still consider myself in recovery for nearly two weeks now. One slip doesn't constitute a loss, nor does it negate all of my hard work up until this point.

Physically, I feel great; mentally, I'm bored and lonely. My ED has pushed many of my friends away, and I don't blame them for it. I'm also struggling with my body image as I begin to actually follow my meal plan and really challenge myself like never before (for instance, tomorrow is hamburgers and ice cream!). I'm proud but Ed is screaming at me and I have many urges to restrict. However, I have not tried to engage in other behaviors, which is a huge step and something with which I used to struggle.

I would like to try more organic/natural foods, and not necessarily safe ones (for example, almond butter). Quinoa is something I'd like to incorporate into my meal plan for the next week when I meet with my dietitian tomorrow. Hopefully, my weight didn't go down and I've been really doing as well as I think I am.

Kirsten

Knowing ED

I firmly believe that one can't ever understand an eating disorder unless one gets one. ED is hell, a hell I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy. I recently cried when I learned someone had an eating disorder, someone with whom I wasn't even close.

What you should know about ED is that it's not about food, body image, being thin/pretty/attractive. It's about feelings. My ED stems from my depression and my anxiety. ED helps me manage these feelings by restricting my food because it distracts and numbs how I feel. Food - or lack thereof - is like a drug for me.

I have nearly no memory of my summer before my freshman year of high school, my sickest time. I can tell you general ideas - big trips, etc. - and what I ate and thought about, but I have no specific memories. This stems from the numbness I experienced during this period. Both physically and emotionally, I was ailing.

Let's change the way we think about ED: less of a phase of skinny models and actresses and more of a disease of average men and women, predisposed to it through personality traits. Let's consider it an addiction, a serious mental and physical problem which does not go away without seemingly endless treatment, inpatient, outpatient, hospitalizations. Let's recognize that we who suffer from ED can and will survive.

Dreams/Goals

My ultimate goal in life is to be a writer; pretty much always has been, except now my focus is on poetry rather than prose. What somewhat disturbs me is that sometimes those close to me do not also believe in these dreams. They may want me to be happy as well, but they do not see writing as a realistic profession. I disagree and refuse to change myself based upon others' opinions.

Yesterday, I was rejected by Poetry Magazine. As a writer, rejection is common and I'm used to it; I immediately resubmitted to Poetry Magazine and also to "Crazyhorse", another literary journal.

Untitled
Tracing constellations of
veins, blue and branching
vines of the flesh:
windy breath and
gasping air.
Stark, collapsing
bones between
cascading blood.
Thoughts crumple and
rush like quicksand,
stripping memories
of sunshine and
fireworks. Dewdrops
dampen lips and
lashes glued with
taught skin and
a hunger. Love
tags between
pines and brushes
spines and soothes.

The Re-revised Rules of Good Eating

Experts at the US Dept of Health and Human services and the USDA have released a new report on what we should be eating. Their report essentially states that we should be consuming fewer calories, meat, and sugar; switching to low-fat dairy; and exercising more often. While I find nothing completely wrong with these guidelines, they forgot that perhaps we also should enjoy eating. So here are my top food "rules":

1. Eat when hungry. Stop when moderately full.
This is stolen from Eating Disorders Anonymous but it's completely true. Why worry about calories and exact portions when our bodies have given us hunger and satiation cues which trigger us to begin and end eating?

2. Stomachs do not have eyes.
A carb is a carb is a carb, and our bodies do not know whether that carbohydrate is a cookie or organic quinoa or Eggo waffles. The only difference is calorie and fat content, both of which are essential to human survival.

3. There are no "good" and "bad" foods.
There are only different nutrients in each food. Some are higher or lower than others in certain nutrients such as carbohydrates, fats, protein, water, vitamins, and minerals. Take ice-cream for instance. It is higher than low-fat milk in fat and sugar content, but both contain calcium (mineral), natural sugars (carbohydrates), and fat.

4. Exercise to maintain cardio health and strength.
Exercise should not be for the purpose of always burning calories and fat, but for good mental and physical health.

5. Enjoy food.
Because there are no good and bad foods and we can eat when hungry and stop, we can also enjoy food. Food is not just a source of energy, but gives us a sense of creativity, culture, and enjoyment. You can have your cake and eat it too.

First Post!

My name is Kirsten and I'm a student living in the suburbs of Chicago. I'm a poet, musician, photographer and thinker who struggles with an eating disorder. I refuse to allow my "problems" define me. My posts will cover everything from my issues to writing and readings and current events. Thanks and happy reading!


The requiem of
incense and wine
suffocates and
blinds with white
and awaits joy
as the chorus
sings lies.