And one day we will die
And our ashes will fly from the aeroplane over the sea
But for now we are young
Let us lay in the sun
And count every beautiful thing we can see
- Neutral Milk Hotel "In the Aeroplane over the Sea"
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Copied background layer, blurred copy except for the tree, laid a bright green layer over it all.
Friday, January 14, 2011
Jays paddle the clouds
of blue and orange:
oily jazz and
stark bar lines.
Musky mist sags
and wrinkles, pickled
breaths: nature's incense.
As I begin to apply to schools, I have found that many would like a personal statement, or, worse yet, an artist's statement, as the School of the Art Institute of Chicago requires. Unfortunately, I realized I have no idea what this means, less how to go about creating one. Here is how to write an artist's statement:
Keep it short, yet simple and engaging. About.com suggests about 100 words.
With the theme of "Warhol" as my guide, I decided to create an image which utilized the idea of reflections and identity. The words are backwards because the image is meant to be looked at through a mirror, but the poem states, "Alone, all alone/Nobody but nobody/Can make it out here alone." It is adapted from a poem by Maya Angelou.
I find that, personally, identity is a difficult thing to grasp:
Who am I?
What do I like?
What are my needs and wants?
What helps you discover who you are? How do you come to terms with this?
Fear is quite the interesting entity. Fear creeps and chills and tingles. And, yet, It sweats and tickles and turns. As I sit writing this, I turn around in fear of demons after viewing Paranormal Activity II. Regardless, this concept of fear is much different from what I usually experience.
My more regular idea of fear is not that of ghost and goblins; rather, it is, as I would assume it is for most, an abstract entity. I experience the emotion of fear as an extreme, irrational version of anxiety.
"Fear foods" are a common word to describe foods Ed has banned. This constitutes fear in that it, too, is irrational and extreme anxiety. Although it seems silly to outsiders, "fear foods" are a huge part of eating disorder recovery, in that they allow the disordered to understand how indeed illogical their fear truly is, and that nothing bad would happen if they continued to experience and consume that food.
Perhaps hitting at more of the core issues surrounding psychological disorders are fears of people or actions, such as social anxiety or trauma. In order to recover from these fears, intense therapy must be gone through.
I'm learning romance, lust and love through my new relationships; and not just with my boyfriend, but with reconnecting with friends.
Eating disorders push people away. While forming a relationship with "Ed", I lost not only my relationships with my friends and family but also my relationship with myself. I've lost who I am and the person I wish to become.
But life after "Ed" can be as confusing as life with him. What do I like, love, and for what or whom do I lust? What is this sense of romance I so seek?
I am discovering this, slowly.
Like: Sunshine, black coffee, Asian cuisine, blogging, flowers, books, autumn
Love: Poetry; indie and classical music; uniqueness; recovery; friendship; family
As I sink
through the
depths of
your bones
I sing, for
they blossom
and ring, with
vines and spires
atop ancient
cathedrals.
The
gargoyles grin
and I laugh
for the glass
shines in dust.
But where are
you now, as
I soar? The
clouds blind
me.
What I like: The poem is both literal and figurative, though I won't tell you what I think it means because I believe it ruins the effect. However, it's one of the few poems I wrote with a meaning in mind, with a specific feeling which I was attempting to achieve. I also find the shape aesthetically pleasing.
What I dislike: I find it a bit cliche at some points, and I have no sympathy for cliche whatsoever. Perhaps I'll rework it a bit to avoid such occurrences.
What do you like and dislike about this poem or poetry in general?
At the heart of many personalities and disorders is the fear of taking up space in the world. This is because we do not feel we have enough worth to even use the air, the area, the goods, and the happiness of others. It is as much a matter of feeling small and insignificant as it is a matter of feeling unworthy.
The interesting aspect of space is when one applies it to eating disorders, especially anorexia. One with an eating disorder physically shrinks his or herself, thus occupying less space. One may assume that this is a physical manifestation of the feelings of smallness and unworthiness that the man or woman feels. The person may, in some cases, feel unworthy of food or health, and thus deprive themselves of this basic need. In contrast, it may simply be a way to not love and respect one's self.
This often reflects well beyond the realms of food, however. One who does not allow themselves to occupy the world may not treat themselves well in relationships, putting themselves second and setting poor boundaries.
I, personally, struggle with this area very much. Feeling unworthy of taking up space, of happiness, and sometimes of life itself, I oftentimes do not treat myself with respect and love. For a small example - I do not open the door all the way when I enter or leave a room, physically forcing myself to occupy the least amount of space possible when squeezing through the doorway. As I mentioned in a previous post, I used to squish my gum into a wrapper and put it in my pocket to dispose of later, risking a sticky pocket, rather than briefly interrupt a therapy session or a conversation.
Exercise: Every morning when you wake up, stretch your body as large as you possibly can, occupying your entire bed, and state simply, "I deserve to take up space." It begins the day with an interesting thought and reminds yourself that you are worthy, you deserve space.
Do you find yourself feeling unworthy of taking up space? How does this manifest itself, even in little ways?
I was recently inspired by slam poetry, and therefore decided to just let the words flow. Feel free to - and please - submit responses, editing, suggestions, etc. Here's what came from free thought and little editing:
I hate you.
Your promises squeeze
at my life, my blood,
and gnaw my soul, before
digesting it in rotting
acrid acid and lustful lies.
I hate you
My love, my dear,
I'd never leave you.
You protect me -
from life and reality
and keep me safe in
my anorexic box of
starvation and mutilation
until I disappear: a
wisp of a soul, taught
skin and loose hair.
I hate you
for all you have
harmed and tortured with
peanut butter and lettuce,
and yet equally with
love and adventure;
for fucking with
our minds and stomachs and hearts;
for killing us.
I hate you.
I refuse to be so,
so jailed and celled
and perfect and compact.
I refuse to be
safe and secure,
restful and asleep, while
stars blaze and spin in
white heat.
I refuse.
1. Make it through school: It's no secret that I hate school. Not just dislike, but hate. I hate the conformity, the same-shit-different-day stuff, the dull classes, the easy classes, the hard classes, the doing-stuff-I-don't-care-about, etc., etc.
2. Write poetry: I haven't written in a while...and by a while I mean months. If I plan on being a writer professionally, I need to get back on track working diligently on my art.
3. Add more healthy fats: Unfortunately, as well as I've been doing otherwise, my meal plan has not been attended to 100% within the past few weeks. However, I am prepared with pre-portioned packages of cream cheese, nut butters, guacamole, hummus, and cheese to fulfill my requirements and maintain/gain weight.
4. Cherish the present: I am very future-focused right now: college, career, life. I want to enjoy each moment rather than believing that happiness will come to me once I'm in better circumstances.
Senior year presents itself with many options: where to live, where to attend school, what to study, etc. Though I would like to study creative writing and psychology in college, I have no idea whether or not I'll end up staying in Chicago or moving to New York. Frankly, it scares the shit out of me. Will I be well enough to even consider The New School of New York? Who knows?
It's important to practice taking healthy risks so that I will be confident enough to consider moving away as an option, rather than safely staying at home. Doing this involves practicing:
Self-Confidence : Allowing one to please one's self and somewhat eradicate anxiety associated with change.
Freedom : Understanding how free to do what one pleases one truly is.
Boundaries: Not allowing others' goals to get in the way.
What risks have you held back on? What risks have you taken?
